My Life Again
by Zappy Zaps
Summary: (sequel to 'Only Here') Tom Paris thought that there would be nothing in the world worse than having to live his life again, he was wrong.
1. Part 1

Title: My Life Again Author: Zappy Zaps Summary: (sequel to 'Only Here') Tom Paris thought that there would be nothing in the world worse than having to live his life again, he was wrong. Category: Angst Pairing: P, P/T All Disclaimer: The Voyager characters and Universe belongs to Paramount (ruler of all things Star Trek). Author's Note: I started this story long ago. I'm hoping that by posting it I'll build up the enthusiasm to finish it off. I have other (possibly better) stories in the works and this one is in the way. I don't like to leave stories incomplete so, here we are.Enjoy.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Security teams swept each deck of the Federation Starship Voyager looking for any signs that their invaders were still on boards. They rounded each bend anticipating an attack but were fortunate enough that none came. At the end of their rounds the head of security contacted the Captain.  
"Tuvok to Janeway, all intruders have vacated the ship."  
"Acknowledged," Janeway said as she continued working at the Ops station. "Report to the bridge and put your security teams on alert. Janeway out." Half the bridge officers were missing; some injured and others were needed in other areas of the ship, among them were Commander Chakotay and Lt. Paris, or so they thought.  
Commander Chakotay had been sent to sickbay as he had been injured and after the initial action had subsided, Mr. Paris had also been called to Sickbay to assist the Doctor and Kes in treating the injured.  
The attack had been swift and precise. The alien beings had taken out key areas of Voyager's systems leaving the crew almost defenceless, almost. Voyager had been boarded and the aliens crept through the temporarily darkened corridors, attacking and performing tests on crewmembers that happened to cross their paths. Nobody knew what the invaders were looking for but they didn't seem to find it with anybody they had tested.  
Unfortunately for the Voyager crew, the aliens were impervious to their sensors thus armed security parties had to search every corner of the ship looking for the intruders. Even after main power was restored the beings remained on board, attacking and testing members of the crew as they went.  
Finally after tense hours, it was over. The alien ships had cloaked and left, seemingly fed up with their search.  
"Bridge to Engineering, status." Janeway ordered.  
B'Elanna responded, "We still have some power conduits to replace so warp drive has been compromised. Paris shouldn't take it past warp five for now." B'Elanna assumed that helmboy would be at the conn but was incorrect. Janeway didn't have time to correct her she was still securing other ship's systems.  
"Understood," Janeway out.  
"Doctor to the Bridge, please turn to the emergency medical channel."  
Janeway absently turned on the viewscreen to said channel and a view of Sickbay was shown. There were crewmembers busily moving back and forth trying to aid the Doctor and Kes.  
"What is it, Doctor?" Janeway asked hoping that he wasn't about to make another complaint.  
"I need more help in here. Kes and I are swamped," the hologram informed her. "Was Mr. Paris sidetracked on his way down here?"  
"Tom should already be with you," Kathryn said. Before the Doctor could comment Janeway tapped her commbadge. "Janeway to Paris." She waited for a response but there was nothing. "Computer what's the location of Lt. Paris?"  
'Lieutenant Paris is not on board.'  
That was not the response Janeway had expected. "How did he get off the ship?" Janeway asked the computer.  
'Unknown,'  
"He's a magician too, wonderful." The Doctor mumbled to himself. Janeway glared at him and proceeded to asked the computer how long Tom had been missing for.  
'thirty-eight minutes' the female voice replied.  
"Thirty-eight?" Janeway said to herself as she re-doubled her efforts to figure out what had happened to Paris. "Doctor, I'll assign some science officers to help you once some of the repairs are finished." She was about to close the channel when she remember something. "And Doctor, tell Chakotay that he's needed in forward navigation."  
"Commander Chakotay isn't here. I haven't seen him at all today," the Doctor informed.  
"Janeway to Chakotay," there was no response. "Computer, what's the location of Commander Chakotay?" The computer told her that she wasn't onboard. Again Janeway asked how long he'd been missing and the computer told her forty-six minutes.  
  
Light-years away on an unnamed ship, Commander Chakotay was slowly making his way across the cell to his unconscious companion. His hands were bound behind his back and his feet were bound as well making his movement awkward and slow. After a few minutes he was at the other man's side trying to rouse him.  
"Come on Paris, this is no time to take a nap," Chakotay said but Tom didn't move. Chakotay had been unconscious for an unknown amount of time and had recently woken.  
"He'll wake soon," a strangely hollow voice said from a speaker near the ceiling of the cell.  
"Who are you and why have you brought us here?" Chakotay demanded.  
"We were intrigued by your kind and felt like taking a few samples."  
Chakotay heard Tom moan next to him as he started to regain consciousness. "What have you done to him?"  
"Don't worry he'll be fine." The voice faded until there was only silence.  
"Ow," Tom groaned as he turned onto his back.  
"Are you okay, Paris?" Chakotay asked.  
"I've been better." Tom tried to raise himself into a sitting position but there was a pain in his gut that hindered his attempt.  
"Take it easy," Chakotay said.  
"Why do I hurt so much?" Tom asked. He was disoriented and nauseous.  
  
"I don't know. They haven't been very forthcoming with information."  
"I think I'm going to be sick," Tom mumbled and Chakotay gave him a little space. Fortunately, Tom managed to hold back and simply rolled over. He mumbled something to himself.  
"What'd you say?" Chakotay asked, hoping that it was some piece of information that might help them.  
"I said, I knew I should have stayed in bed this morning," Tom said.  
  
Outside the cell and across the hallway was a drab grey room filled with medical equipment. The room was impeccably tidy and clean. The medical staff wore white garmets that covered every part of them except their yellow eyes. The bright white light illuminated every corner of the room leaving no shadow on the cold floor.  
In the back of the room lay a large machine. Dials, buttons and levers littered the surface of the machine allowing the user to make minute adjustments. On one side of it there was a transparent barrier giving a restricted view of the interior. A yellowish liquid filled the interior with one small form suspended inside.  
Two people gazed inside the chamber, marvelling at their own brilliance. Science had finally achieved what only nature had been able to do before, of course they've made a few modifications.  
"Congratulations," one said to the other. "We've done it."  
Inside the chamber a child was growing, a human child. And if they had their way, it would remain in their for the rest of it's life, all eighteen months of it.  
  
"Got it yet?" He asked while trying to strain his neck to get a better look.  
"Hold still," Tom ordered. He and Chakotay were back to back, Tom trying to untie Chakotay's wrists. Their captors hadn't used cuffs or restraints, just plain old string. "I've almost got it." Just then Chakotay felt the rope loosen. He removed the rest of the rope from his wrists and rubbed the skin were the rope had begun to chafe. He then helped Tom out of his own ties.  
"They could have tied it a little tighter," Tom mumbled as he looked at his wrists. The skin was bruised and his hands were an unnatural shade of purple. "I'll never play the violin again," he said in mock horror. Chakotay, who had already untied the ropes at his ankles, gave Tom an irritated look.  
"Give me a hand," Chakotay said as he went to what he thought was the exit.  
Tom quickly untied his feet and stood up. As soon as he did so the world began to spin and he leaned heavily on the wall trying to remain upright. "Paris?" Chakotay saw that the younger man was having trouble walking and was getting more worried about his health.  
"I'm okay," Tom said as he stumbled towards him as if drunk.  
Chakotay helped him sit down next to the exit. "We have to get you some help."  
"No shit," Tom said as a wave of nausea passed.  
"You've done this before. How do I get these doors to open up?" Chakotay asked.  
"I don't know. Use a key," Tom suggested, feeling too sick to say anything more.  
Chakotay exhaled deeply trying to quell his irritation. Even after over two years in the Delta Quadrant with him, Tom Paris could still irritate the first officer to no end. It's not particularly what he says that gets to him, it's how he says it. "Tom, this isn't a good time to make jokes." He looked to where Tom had been sitting and found that the man had lost consciousness. "Not now," Chakotay said as he moved towards the lieutenant. "Tom!" he called his name hoping to wake him. Shaking him slightly did the trick and Tom's eyes opened slowly.  
His vision was practically non-existent. There was a giant blur in front of him but he couldn't tell what it was. It was making funny noises that he couldn't decipher and he didn't care to. At the moment he felt far too ill to care about anything.  
"Tom, listen to me. You have to concentrate," Chakotay told him. "I need your help." Admitting that he needed Tom's help was far easier to do than Chakotay would have anticipated. "We have to get out of here and contact Voyager."  
The words started to make sense so Tom responded. "Voyager?"  
"Yes, we need to contact them. They can help us."  
His vision was becoming darker. The shadows became larger and larger until he saw nothing but darkness. The words faded as his consciousness faded as well.  
"Tom," Chakotay saw that Tom was going to pass out again. "Paris, stay awake!" With his hands at the side of Tom's face he held the man's wavering gaze on him. "You hear me! Stay awake, that's an order!"  
"Stop yelling at me," Tom mumbled and moved out of Chakotay's grasp. "The door?"  
"Is still locked. How do I open it?" Chakotay asked evenly.  
"I don't know."  
"You've done this before. How did you do it?" Chakotay's patience was wearing thin.  
With supreme effort, Tom was able to focus his vision for a short moment and look at the doors. They were dark grey, the same colour as the rest of the cell. But they were perfectly flush with the wall. There was no ridge, no frame, just a slight outline. There was no door there. He had to make Chakotay understand but his strength was deserting him.  
He raised his hand and pointed to the door. Chakotay followed his gaze and in the short moment that he had looked away Tom fell to the side, knocking his head on the hard floor. The crack resounded through the small enclosure and Chakotay quickly moved to Tom's side.  
"Tom." Tom's eyes were still open but Chakotay wasn't sure if he could see anything. "Tom are you alright?"  
"Not. door," he whispered.  
"I don't understand. How do I open it?" Chakotay shifted Tom into a more comfortable position.  
Despite his efforts, Tom could no longer remain awake and he passed out leaving Chakotay alone in the cell, but not for long. The Commander checked Tom's pulse and found that it was steady, if a little fast.  
Suddenly He felt two pairs of hands on him, pulling him off the floor. They were dressed in all white, hiding everything but their eyes. Two of them restrained the commander while a third one went to Tom.  
He knelt next to the fallen officer and scanned him with a device. Looking back at his two colleagues he shook his head and turned off the scanning device. They began to lead Chakotay out of the room but he resisted.  
"What's wrong with him? What did you do?" He demanded of them.  
"I'm sorry." The voice was soft and Chakotay found that the person he thought was a man was actually a woman.  
"Please help him," Chakotay pleaded but she shook her head and walked passed him. It's not that she couldn't but she wouldn't. The fate of their two samples didn't matter to her or anyone else. They just needed them for this one experiment.  
  
Only forty minutes later, Tom woke, feeling as sick as he had been before but this time he had a headache as well. On the plus side, his vision was better, still blurry but at least he could tell where the floor ended and the wall began. He crawled over to what looked like the door but it wasn't.  
After several minutes of intense concentration Tom succeeded in his task. The door vanished. It wasn't actually a door; it was a force-field with a holographic projection in it. If it had been a real door there would have been some sort of ridge or frame to it so when the doors opened, there was some place for the sliding panels to move into, which meant the doors had to be thinner than that walls so they couldn't be flush with the walls. It couldn't have been a door on hinges either since there were no hinges or frame, thus the only 'logical' conclusion was that there wasn't a door there at all. "Human can be logical sometimes, Tuvok," Tom mumbled to himself.  
Gingerly standing up and swallowing to keep the contents of his stomach down Tom peered out into the corridor. Their were no guards. The hall was completely empty. The only other opening that he could see with his limited vision was directly across the hall. That seemed like a good place to start but first..  
  
What was left of the senior staff were in a meeting reporting to the Captain the state of Voyager's systems and the search for their two missing crewmembers. Repairs were complete but they didn't have much of a trail to follow to find their missing officers, as Ensign Kim was reporting.  
"Sensors have only found a faint trails through subspace but it's dissipating quickly. It might be from the ship or ships that attacked us but it's impossible to know for certain."  
Janeway looked at the assembled officers hoping that somebody else had more to add but that was all. "Tell the helm to follow the course and keep the sensors continuously scanning for phase discrepancies. If they're using a cloak to hide themselves then the sensors should be able to find a slight flux."  
Voyager jumped to warp following the faint trail, their only hope of finding the chief helmsman and executive officer.  
  
The lights faded to nothing and only a few backup lights provided illumination throughout the ship. On the Medical Deck the staff looked around in confusion. They attempted to contact the bridge for a report but found that communications were also out. They didn't worry though -they had no reason to.  
Chakotay was strapped into a chair and unable to move. He was thankful for the power outage though because just before it happened one of the medical personnel was about to stick a fairly long probe into his neck. With the power out they had to put all experiments on hold.  
"How is the child?" The chief medical officer asked.  
"The back-up generator is sufficient to run the basic functions of the chamber but I don't think it's powerful enough to run the stasis function."  
"He's waking?" the Doctor rushed over to the chamber and looked inside at the rapidly growing child. The human features were defined more clearly and he even had some hair.  
Chakotay was listening carefully to what was being said. He wondered why they had a child in a suspension chamber but he wasn't in the best position to ask questions.  
In the darkness Chakotay thought he saw a form move from behind one console to another, trying to stay low. Could that be Tom? The last time he had seen the lieutenant, he was unconscious on the floor of their cell.  
Despite continued efforts Chakotay couldn't see who was lurking in the shadows. The medical staff was too concerned with the child in the chamber to notice anything else.  
Chakotay was startled when he felt someone undoing his bindings. "Tom?"  
"Shhh! Just another sec.."  
Chakotay was soon free of his bindings. "Did you cause the power to go out?" Chakotay whispered.  
"Yeah, that was my handiwork," Tom said, the fatigue clear in his voice. "Time to make like a banana-"  
" -don't finish that," Chakotay said. He was hardly in the mood for a bad joke. "We need to find a way to get off this ship." Chakotay and Tom where hiding behind a large console planning their next move.  
"He's absolutely precious," one woman whispered as she placed her hand against the barrier. The little boy inside was waking since the stasis field had failed. His eyes opened slightly and the people looking at him caught a glimpse of his blue eyes. He looked to be about three to four months old due to the accelerated growth stages they had added to his genetic coding.  
"I suggest you keep your feelings strictly professional," One of the senior doctors suggested. "We only want to observe him. Once we get him back in stasis we can begin."  
"We have to help that child before we leave," Tom said and started to move but Chakotay held him back with a hand on his shoulder. "We can't just leave him here."  
Chakotay was still unsure of whether they should but the decision was quickly made for them. The ship rocked violently and several objects were knocked to the floor. Sirens started and a synthesized voice indicated that there was an imminent hull breach.  
Medical staff started to leave but the CMO remained behind hoping to save his project. He pressed several keys but the process of shutting down the chamber took time and he had none to spare.  
"We have to go," One of the Doctors yelled to his colleague as a conduit ruptured above them. He couldn't wait any longer and left the room not even noticing the two men who were crouched nearby. Tom peeked over the top of the console just in time to see the CMO turn and start running for the door.  
The room was now empty with the exception of the two Voyager crewmen. They quickly got up and headed to the chamber where the locks were being disengaged.  
Chakotay's commbadge chirped and Captain Janeway's voice was heard.  
"Janeway to Chakotay,"  
"I'm here Captain, so is Paris."  
"Standby for transport," she said.  
"Do you have three lifesigns?" Chakotay asked.  
"No, only two," they heard Harry say. The chamber must be made of a special material that scattered the transporter beam.  
"Captain, wait! We just need another two minutes," Tom said.  
"There are micro-fractures forming on that deck we have to get you out now,"  
Tom didn't respond as he watched the chamber drain and the child be deposited at the bottom, crying. "Just a few more seconds!"  
"Captain the hulls starting to buckle on that deck," Harry reported.  
"Keep a transporter lock on them, as soon as the hull starts to breach, get them out."  
"Aye, Captain."  
"Come on," Tom coaxed the chamber to work faster as he took off his tunic. Finally the chamber unlocked and the cover opened. Tom disconnected the tube, that acted as an umbilical cord, from the machine, the doctor could disconnect it from the child when they got back. He picked up the screaming child and wrapped him in this tunic.  
"Three to beam up," Chakotay said and Ensign Kim engaged the transporter. They vanished in the blue light just as a massive hole in the hull opened sucking out the atmosphere from that deck and anything else that wasn't securely fastened to the floor.  
In Sickbay they materialized. The doctor and Kes were standing by to help them. Tom felt his illness creeping up on his and carefully handed the crying child to Commander Chakotay. Tom stumbled to the wall and would have fallen to the ground if the Doctor hadn't caught him and helped him to the biobed.  
"Doctor what about him?" Chakotay referred to the crying child in his arms.  
"Kes!" The Doctor called. She handed the Doc a hypospray, which he promptly used on Tom. Kes then took the child from Chakotay and lay him carefully on the biobed so that she could scan him with a tricorder.  
Captain Janeway walked into Sickbay about fifteen minutes later. The first thing to greet her ears was the sound of a crying baby. Chakotay was holding the wailing child and gave the Captain look that pleaded with her to help him.  
She reached out and Chakotay gave her the little boy. She cradled him easily but the child didn't quiet at all. "Doctor, how's Tom?" she asked.  
"He'll be fine in a few days, a little dizzy and tired but he'll recover if there are not complications."  
"Complications?"  
"Mr. Paris was genetically sampled. It's wasn't a very pleasant process and they caused more damage than was necessary but the treatment I've prescribed will facilitate the healing process," the Doctor said as he approached the Captain. He gazed at the crying child with fascination.  
"Why not just use the regenerator?" Chakotay asked, looking to Tom's still form.  
Kes fielded this question. "The damage was deep in his chest cavity and to get to it would require surgery which would be more detrimental to his recovery."  
"Very good, Kes." The Doctor praised her. "The dizziness and nausea he experienced was a result of the anaesthetics and drugs they used on him." The doctor placed his instruments on the correct trays. "He'll make a full recovery," The Doctor concluded.  
Janeway nodded and then turned her attention to the child that was still in her arms. He had tufts of blonde hair and blue eyes. His little features were scrunched up as he continued to cry.  
"Doctor, is the child alright?" Janeway asked.  
The Doctor took his first good look at the baby since his arrival on the ship. He had been busy working on Tom and left Kes to tend to the baby's needs.  
"There is nothing medically wrong with him," The Doc said scanning him with a tricorder. He noticed a small feature that he had only found in on two other people on the ship. The baby's blood type was 'O' negative.  
"Doctor?" Chakotay asked seeing the Doc's expression.  
"Maybe it's just a coincidence," The Doctor said and he preformed another quick test while the others watched. The results were displayed on the main diagnostic console. The genetic structure of the child was almost identical to Tom's. There were a few minor changes to genes that are not expressed but everything else was identical.  
The Doctor turned to Janeway, Chakotay and Kes to give them his findings. "The child's genetic structure is almost identical to Mr. Paris."  
"How is that possible?" Chakotay asked, having trouble grasping the situation.  
"The genetic sampling that they performed on Mr. Paris must have been to create a duplicate of him and not just to study a sample of his genome," The doctor inferred.  
"But they were on that ship for less than a day," Janeway said.  
"I don't know what type of process they used but they managed to duplicate Mr. Paris in a very short amount of time."  
There was a long silence as the occupants of sickbay shifted their gaze from the grown man, lying on the biobed unconscious to the child wailing in Kathryn's arms. "You said that his genetic structure is almost identical to Tom's," Janeway said, emphasizing the almost.  
"Some of the genetic material that is not expressed has been altered but I don't know the purpose of these alterations," The Doctor said.  
"Look into it," Janeway said as she handed the baby to Kes. Janeway looked at Tom on the biobed and hoped that he would be better soon. He's already been through enough in his life.  
Janeway left sickbay while the Doctor went to look at the main diagnostic console and the genomes it displayed. Commander Chakotay had turned to leave when Kes called him.  
"Commander!" he turned to face her. "How do I make him stop crying?" She asked desperately. She had never taken care of a child so young before.  
"I don't know." Chaktoay said looking thoughtfully at the child. He glanced at Tom. "I'll send Ensign Kim to help you. He knows Tom better than anybody here."  
  
Ensign Kim arrived a few minutes later and found that Sickaby was nearly silent. From what the Commander had told him Harry expected to hear the child crying from down the hall. Instead it was quiet. He saw Kes sitting in a chair with the child in her arms and quietly walked over thinking that the baby may have fallen asleep.  
Kes smiled at Harry looking rather proud of herself. "He's not asleep," Kes informed him. She looked down at the child who was looking around curiously, the faces above him becoming engrained in his memory.  
"He's so small," Harry said with a smile. He held out his finger and a chubby little hand grabbed onto it. "Pretty good grip too." Harry slipped his finger out of the child's hand and went over to Tom. From what he could decipher, Tom's bio-signs were stable.  
"Harry, could you hold him for a while? I just need a break."  
"Sure," Harry took the child from her. The child protested at first but once settled into Harry's arms his cries quieted. Harry sat down in the chair that Kes had occupied only a few moments before. It was positioned so that He could see Tom on the biobed.  
It was about twenty minutes later when Harry noticed that Tom was beginning to stir. He called Kes and the Doctor and they came immediately.  
Tom woke and was first greeted with a headache but as he regained his bearings the pain faded. He sat up quickly, fearing that he might still be on that alien vessel.  
"Tom, you're safe. You're back on Voyager," Kes assured him and Tom relaxed slightly. He closed his eyes and calmed himself.  
"You'll be pleased to know that you'll make a full recovery," the Doctor stated.  
Tom sighed and ran a hand over his face. "I'm in here far too often."  
"I have to agree," the Doctor mumbled as he closed his tricorder.  
"How do you feel Tom?" Harry asked as he stepped closer, the infant still in his arms.  
"I've been better," Tom grumbled as he recalled the events that caused this visit to sickbay. He looked around sickbay.  
"Tom what is it?" Kes asked. Tom's gazed fixed on the child Harry was carrying. He was fast asleep.  
"Is he alright?" Tom asked. Harry wasn't sure how to respond. Should he tell Tom about how this child was created? Was Tom ready to here that he had a twin? "What's wrong with him?" Tom asked when nobody answered his question.  
"He's perfectly healthy," Harry said as he went closer to his friend. Tom had always been able to tell when Harry was lying. This time he wasn't lying but it was clearly evident that he was leaving something out.  
"Would you like to hold him?" Kes asked.  
Tom shook his head. "I don't want to wake him. I don't think he'd please if his nap was interrupted." Tom gently caressed the top of the baby's head. "Have you given him a name yet?" Tom asked and once again his question was met with silence and nobody would look him in the eye.  
  
The child was asleep in the crib and Tom was alone with him in the main part of sickbay. The Doctor requested that Tom stay over night for observation but Tom was suspicious as to why. Usually the Doctor was as eager for him to leave as Tom was but not this time. Tom looked back at the crib and guessed that it had something to do with the infant.  
He scanned himself and the child with a tricorder and didn't notice anything out of order. He looked at the typical results and leaned against the console. What was he overlooking? Tom inputted a command for the computer to look more closely at the results. What he didn't have the computer do was compare the results, not until later anyway.  
"Mr. Paris what are you doing?" The doctor asked more in exasperation that in anger. Can't leave Tom alone for an hour without him sticking his nose where it didn't belong.  
"I'm discovering for myself what nobody else would tell me," Tom said as he looked at the console's display. The Doctor took a look as well and saw that the computer was still compiling that data of a detailed genetic scan. He grabbed Tom by the arm and led him back to the biobed before the computer could display the results.  
"You could have asked."  
"I already did. You didn't tell me before. I hoping that there's a reason that you kept me in the dark." Tom pulled his arm from the Doctor's grasp.  
The Doctor decided that there was no point in keeping Tom in the dark any longer. He would find for himself sooner or later. "When you were on the alien ship, they genetically sampled you and used the genetic matter to create," The Doctor gestured to the crib where the tot slumbered.  
"He's my duplicate, my twin?" Tom asked and the Doctor nodded. The Doctor was surprised to find that Tom didn't seem all that disturbed.  
"Are you alright?"  
"I'm fine. What about him?" Tom nodded in the direction of the crib.  
"Ninety-nine point eight three of the his genetic material is identical to yours however there were some alterations done to his genetic code. I don't yet know the purpose but I'm still looking into it."  
Tom nodded and looked at the child in the crib. He walked quietly over and looked down at his little duplicate. He was glad he hadn't left his.twin, with those monsters but what would they do now? Who would take care of him? The Doctor rested a hand on Tom shoulder knowing that there must be a hurricane of thoughts and concerns in his mind.  
"I need some sleep," Tom said as he turned to go to a biobed. Just then the baby woke and started crying loudly. "We weren't that loud," Tom said thinking that they had woke the baby.  
The Doctor picked up the child and patted his back. "He won't be sleeping through the night for a while." The Doctor walked to Tom and handed the child to him. "Until then, good luck."  
"Wait, what am I supposed to do?" Tom asked as he cradled the screaming child.  
The Doctor shrugged. "Try something. Besides, nobody knows you better than you," the Doc said as he walked away.  
"Great," Tom said unenthusiastically as he looked down at the crying child.  
  
The baby gurgled happily as Tom amused him with tickles and funny faces. Tom was temporarily off duty. It had taken Tom less than five minutes to stop his little twin's crying last night and the Doctor decided that if Tom was so good with him then he should stay and take care of him for the time being.  
Tom picked up his little self and noted that the child seemed to be bigger than he had been the previous day. "Hey Doc, I think he's getting bigger," Tom said with a slight note of confusion in his voice. They still hadn't named the child.  
"It's well documented, Mr. Paris, that children grow," the doctor said dryly and without facing Tom. Tom briefly rolled his eyes before walking over to the Doctor.  
"Just scan him," Tom said and so the Doctor did and indeed the baby had grown significantly. Tom saw the look on the Doctor's face and knew he had been right. "I told you so," Tom said. He looked at the baby and asked, "Didn't I tell him so?" The little boy only smiled and squirmed in his arms and Tom decided to take it as his agreement. "Why's he growing so quickly?" Tom asked the Doctor who was already investigating his hunch.  
"It has something to do with his genetic alterations," The Doctor told him. "I'll now more when I've instigated this properly.  
  
Further investigation supported the Doctor's hypothesis but he had discovered more and presented his findings to the senior staff. They were assembled in the conference room while the Doctor explained to the senior officers the state of the baby's health.  
"They've manipulated genes that were usually not expressed and used it to accelerated his growth and development," The Doctor explained simply. "Unfortunately the daily caloric intake of an infant is not enough to sustain this rate of growth and I've needed to give him several injection of nutrients."  
"Can his growth be slowed?" Captain Janeway asked.  
"It's possible but there's more to it than that," the Doctor said. Everyone in the room knew that he had some more astonishing news and prepared themselves. "The child's also has precursors for memory engrams."  
Only Tom understood what the Doctor had told them. "Engrams from where?" Tom asked, already suspecting the worst.  
"Doctor," Janeway interrupted. "What do you mean by precursor for memory engrams?" the Captain asked knowing the others were as confused as she.  
"Engram precursors are common in animals with many instincts. It helps them adapt better when they are growing. Humanoids however, have very few inherited precursors. Mr. Paris's duplicate has these precursors and as he grows the precursors will become memory engrams."  
"Whose?" Tom asked anxiously. The suspense was unbearable.  
"Yours, Tom. His precursors will become every memory you had up to two days ago." There was silence in the room. They were all shocked that the child would end up having Tom's memories but Tom was not shocked it was more like angered.  
"Can you eliminate the precursors?" Tom asked.  
The Doctor sighed. "Some but not all," the Doctor broke the news to him gently. "I can also slow his growth but that will requires several treatments and it has to be done or I'm afraid the child won't live a very long life. I'll need permission from his next of kin for the engram procedure."  
"I guess that's me," Tom mumbled. He moved his gazed upwards from the tabletop. "Do it."  
"Belay that, Doctor," Janeway interrupted.  
"Captain," Tom was about to protested but Janeway addressed the rest of the group.  
"Dismissed." After a brief pause the officers stood and left, all except Paris and Janeway.  
"Tom, are you sure you want to have the procedure done to him?" Janeway asked.  
Despite the complexity of the situation, Tom was absolutely sure of his answer, "Yes."  
Kathryn looked briefly away from Tom unable to fathom why he was doing this. "There are risks to letting the Doctor do this," Janeway warned.  
"I know that, but we all know the outcome if he doesn't do it," Tom countered. They stared at each other for several seconds. Janeway wasn't convinced and Tom could see it in her eyes.  
"Captain, I made a lot of mistakes and I've been through things that I'd rather forget, I don't want my. my brother to go through the same thing."  
"It won't be the same Tom, he won't be you."  
"I hope your right but I don't want to risk it."  
"I don't think this is your choice, Tom." Janeway said.  
"Well it sure-as-hell isn't your choice," Tom said sternly.  
Tom insolence was grating on her nerves but she still couldn't understand his motives.  
"Captain, most days I hate myself. I can't look in the mirror without remembering everything that I've done and it makes me sick. It's not fair to him because if he has my memories I won't be able take care of him like I should. I can't take care of someone who's going to be exactly like me -made the same choices and the same mistakes."  
Kathryn could tell that Tom's heart was aching over this.  
"I'll hate him," Tom said in all honesty, "because I'll know he's me, in everyway that counts."  
  
End Part 1  
  
So..what did you think? Please let me know. Comments and constructive criticism to zappyzaps@hotmail.com or leave a message. 


	2. Part 2

Title: My Life Again (sequel to 'Only Here') Author: Zappy Zaps Summary: Tom Paris thought that there would be nothing in the world worse than having to live his life again, he was wrong. Category: Angst Pairing: P, All Disclaimer: The Voyager characters and Universe belongs to Paramount (ruler of all things Star Trek). Oct02  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Five years per month, that's how quickly Tom's 'brother' had been aging. In a year and a half he'd have been ninety. The doctor was working on that problem though. With some repeated genetic therapy, the genes that caused his rapid aging would be dormant.  
It had been four days since the baby's arrival on Voyager and Tom was finding it hard to keep up with the child. There was so much that he had to read to know what to expect but it seemed like as soon as he had read a chapter, his brother had already gone past that stage.  
Currently the baby was in a playpen that had been replicated. He was playing with the assorted toys that Tom had made him. He soon tired of his toys and started to wail.  
"I'm coming Tommy," Tom said as he got up from his sofa. He picked up the child and he stopped crying immediately. "Always have to be the centre of attention, eh?" Tom said as the child smiled at him.  
Tom had been taken off duty for the next week or more. A few days ago Tom had decided that the baby needed a name, something to respond to for now. Once he got back some of his memories he'd know his name was Tom but until then he'd be Tommy.  
"So, little man, what do you say to a trip to the mess hall? I'm getting low on rations, you know, diapers and all that," Tom said and the child eyes followed his movements. Before Tom could gather the baby bag and head out the door his door chime rang and he called for the person to enter.  
"Hi, Tom," Harry greeted as he walked in. Tom had his back to the door and only knew Harry had entered because he recognized he voice.  
"Hey, Har." Tom moved a toy and looked for Tommy favourite one. "Rats! Were did you put it, Tommy?" Tom asked his little compatriot. "Your silence says more than words ever could."  
"I always knew you were strange Paris." Tom turned and saw that B'Elanna had come in too.  
"Torres, I didn't know you were here." Tom said this looking at Harry. Harry just shrugged.  
"And how is Tommy?" B'Elanna asked. She held out her arms and Tom gave her the little person. "He's so cute," B'Elanna said as she tickled the baby. He laughed and cooed.  
"Your motherly instincts are..well..scary," Tom said reaching the for Tommy but B'Elanna turned away.  
"Where are you two off to?" B'Elanna asked Tommy in a sweet voice, one that Tom and Harry had never heard come from her. They briefly glanced at each other.  
"We're going to the Mess Hall," Tom informed her. "Would you guys like to tag along?"  
Harry took the baby bag off Tom's shoulder and put it on the couch. "I have a better idea," Harry said. "Let's eat here, my treat."  
"You have enough rations?" Tom asked.  
"Sure he does," B'Elanna started, "he hasn't been loosing them to you in pool at Sandrines since you've been so busy with Tommy."  
And so the four of them ate in Tom's quarters. Tommy was trying to feed himself but more food was on the floor than in his mouth.  
B'Elanna tried to get a spoonful of baby food into Tommy's mouth but Tommy's attention was elsewhere. "I can't get him to eat," B'Elanna said.  
"Here," Tom took the spoon from her. He snapped his fingers near Tommy catching his attention. He then put the spoon in front of his mouth and he gladly ate the food before going back to banging his spoon on his high chair. "You have to get his attention first," Tom said.  
Harry smiled as he noted how comfortable Tom was with the child. Tom had decided that he should take care of his twin brother rather than some stranger, especially if Tommy would have some of Tom's memories. The Doctor had already performed the procedure to remove as much of the engram precursors but some remained. The Doc estimated that he removed forty-five to fifty percent of the memories, still, only time would tell how successful the procedure was.  
"I think he's had enough," Tom said as he wiped Tommy's face and hand. He picked up the infant. "You guys should see this!" Tom placed Tommy on the carpeted floor and then moved a few meters away from him. "Come on Tommy. Crawl to me!" Tom coaxed the baby who was in a seated position.  
After a few seconds Tommy moved to get on all fours and started crawling towards Tom. Tom smiled and picked up his brother once he reached him. "Very good!" Tom praised the child.  
"That's great," Harry said gently touching the child's head.  
"He'll be walking soon too, I think. He can already stand by himself."  
"Just how quickly is he growing?" B'Elanna asked.  
"The Doc said he'd gotten it down to about four and a half years per month but it's still too fast." Tom sat down with Tommy in his lap and gave him one of his toys. He'd tire himself out soon and be ready to go to sleep all Tom had to do was wait. "You guys have plans for tonight?" Tom asked.  
"Not really," B'Elanna sat next to Tom and observed Tommy as he played.  
"I think I'll turn in early," Harry said. "There's a party in the holodeck tomorrow, are you going to go?"  
"Probably not. I'd need to find a baby-sitter and if I remember correctly, my sisters said I didn't take very well to strangers," Tom said as he looked down at Tommy. Tommy was babbling, trying to form words and Tom wondered when he'd learn to talk.  
A day later Tom got his answer. He had been playing with Tommy, and absently listening to Tommy's babbling when he heard what sounded like a real word. Tom stopped his motions and looked at Tommy who looked at him innocently. "What did you say?"  
"Da.dada." Tommy smiled.  
"You spoke!" Tom said in astonishment. "You can talk!" Tom picked him up. "Say dada again," Tom requested with a smile.  
".da.da."  
"That's wonderful!" Tom praised him.  
  
Later that day Tom and Tommy went to Sickbay for Tommy's treatment. Kes smiled when she saw the visitors. Tommy held out his arms to Kes and she gladly took the little load from Tom.  
"And how are you today?" Kes asked sweetly. Tom smiled at the pair. Kes was a natural mother. She was very gentle and children seemed to love her.  
"Mr. Paris and Mr. Paris," the Doctor greeted them. "Please lay him on the main biobed," the doctor ordered.  
Kes carfully laid the child on the biobed within the cradle to keep him from moving too much. The arch was raised and they were ready to begin. Everything started well but Tommy was quickly becoming uncomfortable and he let everybody know it.  
Tommy was wailing and had been for the past few minutes. Tom couldn't take anymore of it and approached the doctor. "Doc,"  
"He's fine Mr. Paris, just scared."  
"How much longer?" he asked.  
"Ten minutes," the Doctor replied. Tom took a calming breath and hoped that both he and Tommy could hold on for ten minutes.  
"Tom." He felt a gentle hand on his arm and looked to his side expecting to see Kes but was surprised when it was the Captain. He hadn't noticed her come in. She had arrived less than a minute ago to the sound of Tommy's cries. The infant's distress was having a noticeable effect on Tom. Kes had briefly filled Janeway in on what was going on when she had first entered.  
There were only six minutes left in the treatment but it seemed like and eternity away. Tommy was crying louder every second and Tom was very tense but perfectly still, watching the child and unable to help.  
Tom had never liked not being in control and he definitely wasn't enjoying this situation. A particularly loud wail escaped from the infant and Tom had had enough. Janeway felt the muscle on Tom's arm tense and he started for the child but Kathryn held him back.  
"Just a few more minutes, Tom," She assured him. Tom looked at her and then at Tommy.  
"Five more minutes," Tom mumbled to himself.  
The minutes finally passed and Tom was able to comfort Tommy and he was soon quiet again. The Doctor took Janeway into his office to talk to her while Kes took care of Tom and Tommy.  
"How is he?" Janeway asked.  
"Tommy is responding to the treatments and his growth is slowing but it is still far to rapid. I estimate that it will take several months before his growth is at a normal rate."  
Janeway nodded her understanding. "And how's Tom doing?" Janeway was worried about her chief helmsman. He had been willing to take care of Tommy but she still wondered if he was ready to care for a child by himself.  
"Mr. Paris is coping well though I am curious as to whether he is getting enough sleep. There's already an emotional attachment between the two."  
"That's clearly evident," Janeway said as she peered through the transparent window of the office. Tom was showing Kes how Tommy could walk with a bit of help.  
"He also speaks," the Doctor said with a smile. Tom had been so proud of his brother when he showed them how quickly Tommy was learning things. The Doctor wasn't sure whether it was Tommy learning or that the remaining precursors were responsible but either way it was Tom's interaction with the infant and his desire to mimic them that encouraged Tommy to speak.  
  
Three weeks later Tommy was about three and a half years old and he was a bundle of energy. Tom tried to tune out Tommy's noise making while he finished his report but it was becoming more and more difficult. Tom had slowly been returning to his duties, leaving Tommy with a babysitter when he did.  
"Tommy, could you be a little quieter," Tom asked.  
"Okay," Tommy said and went back to playing with his Starship. Tom quickly finished the report before the noise level increased again. He placed the padd down and looked at Tommy. So this is what he was like when he was a kid.  
Tom ran a tired hand over his face. Taking care of Tommy was hard but it was rewarding. Tom, Harry and B'Elanna were the only people Tommy trusted completely. Tom had been surprised that Tommy wasn't completely comfortable with Kes but Tommy didn't very much enjoy his treatments in sickbay. Every time they went Tommy would ask why he had to go.  
Tom had many conversations with Tommy trying to explain, in a simple manner, the complicated situation. Tommy had gained a few memories but nothing that cause Tom to worry yet.  
Tommy was getting along well with the crew too. He was charming (just like Tom) and his innocence and curiosity won the hearts of many. Tom was wary of some people when they were around Tommy. Nearly three years into their journey and there were still people who harboured ill feelings for him. Tom worried that they were unable or unwilling to see the differences and would hurt Tommy if only to get at him.  
There was one crewmember in particular that Tom watched very carefully, Crewman Ian Baxter. Baxter had been particularly hostile to Tom when he had first arrived on Voyager and when they had been stranded in the delta quadrant, Tom had discovered the is was Baxter who had assembled the masses against him, particularly the occasional beatings and missing replicator rations from his account.  
Tommy and Baxter though, got along perfectly. Tom found it disturbing and whenever Baxter was in the room, Tom tried to keep Tommy as far from him as possible but Tommy couldn't see the danger and hopefully he would never experience it.  
  
"Stop it! I'm sorry! Please, I'm sorry!"  
Tom ran into his brother's room. "Tommy!"  
"I'm sorry! Please stop hurting me!" Tommy yelled.  
Tom tried to wake his brother from the dream. "Tommy, it's okay! You're safe here!" He shook him until startled blue eyes opened. He stared blankly at the ceiling. "Tommy?" Tom asked gently.  
"I thought he was here," Tommy said softly. He quickly wiped away tears that threatened to fall. His father would only get mad at him if he cried.  
"Tommy, he's not here." Tom assured him. "It's okay for you to cry." This was the third time Tommy had had a nightmare due to the memories he gained. Tommy was only five years old and already their father's acts were plaguing his dreams.  
"I remember it," Tommy said. He was still staring blankly at the ceiling.  
Tom gathered the child in his arms and picked him up. Tommy wrapped his arms around his brother's neck seeking any comfort that was available to him and Tom didn't deny him. Tom remembered when he had wanted nothing more than a shoulder to cry on when he was a child but his sisters had been away, his mother had died and Owen was the source of his grief.  
"I'm sorry Tommy," Tom whispered to him. "I'm so sorry." The grip around his neck tightened and Tom heard the soft whimpers from his brother as he cried and felt the tremors that ran through his body as he recalled their shared horrors. "I'm sorry," Tom kept apologizing. He wished he could tell Tommy that he'd never let it happen again, that he'd protect him, but he couldn't. Tom couldn't change the past not matter how much he wanted to and he couldn't make Tommy forget everything. "I'm sorry."  
Tommy cried himself to sleep and Tom returned him to his bed but he knew sleep would not come easily to him tonight so he didn't try. He sat leaning against the wall looking at Tommy all night while he slumbered. He didn't know what else to do. The Doctor could not remove any more of the memory engrams without potentially causing brain damage.  
"This isn't fair," Tom mumbled to himself. He gingerly reached out touched Tommy's head. The soft blonde hair slipped through his fingers as he gently touched his brother. Tom looked at his hand and moved it away from his brother. He stared at his hands for several minutes.  
He couldn't let Tommy become like him. Tommy could do better and Tom could give him the chance.  
A few hours later the chime rang but Tom didn't move. It rang again and Tom called softly for the person to enter. Harry Kim walked into the still dark quarters and looked around. He looked into Tom's sleeping alcove and found that the pilot wasn't there so he checked Tommy's room.  
Tom was still seated leaning against the wall, his elbows resting on his knees. "Hi Harry," Tom said tiredly.  
"Did you sleep at all last night?" Harry asked in concern. He knew Tom didn't get a lot of sleep anyway but some was better than none.  
"No and I doubt I'll sleep tonight either," Tom said running a tired hand over his face.  
"Tom," the two men heard a little voice whisper. They looked at Tommy and found that he was awake.  
"Morning, Tommy," Harry said.  
"Are you mad at me?" Tommy asked Tom.  
Tom shook his head. "I'm not mad Tommy," he said with a gentle smile. Tom stood and stretched. "We have to get ready. You'll be spending the day with Crewman Foster while I'm on the bridge."  
"I wanna see the bridge!" Tommy demanded as he pulled back his covers.  
"You have to be this tall," Tom said and raised his hand. Tommy stood up and stood under it. He was several centimetres shorter. He stood on his toes but still wasn't tall enough. Tom laughed. "I'll take you one of these days, just not today." Tom said.  
Half an hour later Tommy was finally dressed and ready for the day. "Harry could you take him to the mess hall for breakfast?"  
"Sure Tom," Harry said taking Tommy's hand in his own.  
"You coming?" Tommy asked.  
"I'll join you there later," Tom said.  
"No! You have to come now," Tommy ordered.  
"I need to shower first Tommy. I'll see you in a few minutes, okay?" Tom crouched down so he was eye level with his brother. Tommy contemplated his answer for several seconds before nodding. Tom patted his head and smiled. "Twenty minutes, max." Tommy nodded sadly and left with Harry.  
"He just needs to shower. He really smells," Harry joked with the child as they left.  
Tom walked to the washroom briefly enjoying the solitude. He was still unable to banish the memories of last night and with them he recalled the memories of his childhood. "I wish I could forget."  
  
Tom and Harry arrived on the bridge a few minutes before their shift started. They briefly greeted B'Elanna who was already at her station. She noticed that Tom seemed preoccupied with some other thoughts and looked to Harry for an answer. He gave he a look that promised and explanation at a later date.  
Alpha shift soon began and Voyager's senior staff was on the bridge tending to their duties. Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay were in their respective positions from where they had an unobstructed view of their pilot, well at least of his back.  
They were both worried about Tom. When Tommy was around he joked and laughed but when the boy was out of sight, Tom became very introverted and quiet. Something was bothering him but they doubted it was something Tom would want to share. If he wanted to help Tommy though, it was something he'd have to come to terms with sooner or later; the sooner the better.  
A few days later Tom was preparing for an away mission, which meant that Tommy would need to be taken care of while he was gone. Harry and B'Elanna were both busy and Sam couldn't handle taking care of both Naomi and Tommy so somebody else had to do it. That somebody was Commander Chakotay, not Tom's first choice but Tom trusted Chakotay, even if it wasn't always evident.  
"Two days, Tommy and then I'll be back."  
"Why can't I come?" Tommy pouted.  
"It's too dangerous for you," Tom explained as the door chimed. "Come in."  
Chakotay walked in with a bag of his belongings. Tom greeted him but Tommy stayed silent. "Well that's it." Tom slung his bag across his shoulders and picked up his brother. "Two days, okay?" Tommy had his arms crossed and a scowl on his face but he nodded in agreement. "Chakotay will take care of you while I'm gone." Tom introduced the older man. Tommy squirmed in Tom's arms so Tom put him down and Tommy promptly ran into his room.  
"Sorry," Tom apologized.  
"That's alright," Chakotay said.  
"Give him some time." Tom said. "He has to come out sooner or later." Tom sighed knowing that it might be a few hours before Tommy decided to come out.  
"You should get going," Chakotay said and Tom sighed knowing that he was right. Chakotay noticed that Tom wouldn't look him in the eye for more than a few seconds at a time. It had something to do with the talk they had earlier that day.  
Tom had needed to tell Chakotay a few things about Tommy, particularly the nightmares and memories. Tom hadn't been comfortable with the conversation but he hid it well. Telling Chakotay about Tommy meant telling a man who had at one time been his enemy, about himself and Tom had no desire to do that but it was for Tommy's sake.  
"Good luck," Tom said as he departed. He looked at the entrance to Tommy's room and was tempted to go see him but decided to give the boy his space. "I'll see you in two days." Chakotay nodded and Tom went for the door.  
"Wait!" Tommy yelled as he bolted out of his room with one of his teddy bears. Tom kneeled down to hug his brother who didn't want to let go. "Please can I come," Tommy begged but Tom had to say no. "Then take teddy with you. He'll keep you safe." Tom looked at his raggedy bear and recognized the sacrifice that Tommy was willing to make for him. Tommy had stopped sleeping with his teddy about a week ago, which corresponds to the age when Owen had chastised Tom for being a 'whining baby', his exact words. From then on Tom had hidden his bear, and eventually he gave it away, but it had always been something special to him.  
"Thank you," Tom said as he gently took the bear. "I'll take good care of him," Tom promised.  
"Bye Tom," Tommy said as he hugged him again.  
"Bye Tommy. I love you," Tom said. He had only ever said those words to his sisters and to his mother, or at least her headstone.  
"Luv you too," Tommy replied. Reluctantly Tommy let go and Tom left. Tommy looked to Chakotay with tears of sorrow in his usually shining eyes. "He'll come back, right?"  
  
End Chapter 2 


	3. Part 3

Title: My Life Again (sequel to 'Only Here')

Author: Zappy Zaps

Summary: Tom Paris thought that there would be nothing in the world worse than having to live his life again, he was wrong.

Category: Angst

Pairing: P, All

Disclaimer: The Voyager characters and Universe belongs to Paramount, ruler of all things Star Trek.

Oct02/Nov02

Chapter 3

            They called themselves the Ciodek.  They away team didn't know where they came from and they didn't care either.  The most pressing matter at hand was how to get these aliens off their shuttle and get away from them.

            Paris, Martinez and Golwat watched in frustration as one of the intruders opened a supply container and dumped the contents on the floor.  They were seated in the far corner and one of the Ciodek kept a watchful eye on them, disrupter in hand.

            From their position they couldn't see the cock-pit but they could here some commotion from the front area of the ship.  Ensign Martinez leaned to the side to try and get a look but their guard aimed his weapon at the young ensign whose survival instinct was stronger than his curiosity.  With a sigh he went back to his position against the wall.

            "We need to do something," Golwat whispered to Paris.

            Tom looked at her and said, "I'm open to suggestions."  Golwat just shrugged.  She had heard stories about other away missions that Tom had been on and when they had gotten into trouble and many times it was Tom out had gotten them out of the situation; she was hoping this situation would be the same.

            "We just have to wait for it," Tom said softly.  He looked at their guard that was seating himself on a supply container.  

            "Wait for what?" asked Martinez.

            "Our opportunity."

            "Commander, any word from our away team?" Janeway asked as she stepped onto the bridge.  Chakotay was working with Kim at the Ops console.

            "Not yet.  We've scanned along their course heading but a particle storm interfered and we lost their ion trail.  We haven't found anything else," he informed her grimly.

            "Keep searching," Janeway said.

            That evening Harry was in Tom's quarters explaining to Tommy that Tom wouldn't be home for a little while.  The mission was only supposed to take two days, it had been four already.  Chakotay watched the interaction.  Tommy had been quiet lately and Chakotay had worried.  He knew Tommy was suspicious and thought that letting Harry spend some extra time with the child would put him at ease.

            "Harry," Tommy interrupted, "Where's my brother?"

            Harry looked at the commander for a moment before looking back at Tommy.  Harry had been deciding how best to explain to him the situation.  "The mission is taking longer than we thought it would," Harry started.

            "Is he dead Harry?" Tommy asked softly.  He was looking down at his hands that clinched tightly the material of the couch.  Despite his age, Tommy was well acquainted with death.  When he was two, his mother died and although he didn't know the details, or care to know them, he knew he never wanted anyone to die, and he'd do anything to prevent it.

            "Tommy," Harry said and moved so that he was directly in front of the little boy. "Tom, will be home very soon.  He's fine." Harry assured.  Tommy wasn't sure whether he should believe him or not but his optimism won out and he smiled.

            "Okay."

            Harry smiled, feeling a little relieved.  Tommy was fine for now and Harry could concentrate of finding the missing away team.  "I have to get back to work.  I'll meet you two in the messhall for dinner," Harry said.  Tommy nodded.  "Are you sure you're alright?" Harry asked.  Tommy just nodded again.  Sure he was worried but he trusted Harry.

            As Harry was leaving he hoped that Tom really was alive or he'll have lost his best friend and Tommy would never trust him again.

            "Look at this!" one of the Ciodek yelled to his comrades as he walked into the room with the Voyager officers.  In his hand was the teddy bear that Tommy had given to Tom.  "We were looking through your belongings and found this stowaway," the alien said.  Tom glared at him.  Martinez and Golwat looked at Tom knowing that the stuffed animal wasn't theirs.

            Tom stood up and ignored the guard who aimed the disruptor at him.  He boldly walked over to the man holding his brother's bear.  Tom glared at him for a few moments before snatching the bear from his hand and walking back to his previous position.  He sat down and placed the bear next to him, ignoring the Ciodek.

            "We should go find your ship and trade with them," one of the codiek said, "we have three, no four hostages." The laughter of the alien intruders filled the small shuttle but Tom had tuned them out.  It was coming, he just had to wait.  The other Ciodek started to leave the room, still laughing at Tom and him inanimate companion.

            The guard that was supposed to be watching the Voyager officers was busy laughing and didn't notice when Tom stood and approached him. When he looked back to his hostages his view was obscured.  Before he had a chance to look up a sharp pain exploded at the side of his head and he lost consciousness.

            Tom stood over the inert form shaking his right hand.  He had managed to drop the guard with one punch but it had hurt like hell.  His knuckles were bleeding and he wondered if he had broken something in his hand.

            "Well," he looked back to Golwat and Martinez who were still seated on the floor, "this is it," Tom told them.  He took the disruptor from the guard.

            "Our opportunity?" Golwat asked as she looked at the fallen Ciodek.

            "Sometimes you have to make them," Tom said as they headed for the cock-pit.

            It was nearly 0000 and Chakotay was just settling down to bed.  Actually he was sleeping on Tom's couch.  He had been up late reading reports, giving report, and writing reports in an effort to help the search for the missing away team.

            It had been a long day, especially when juggling his duties to the ship and his duties to a five-year-old.  Chakotay wondered how Tom managed to do it and make it look so easy.

            "Kim to Chakotay,"

            "What is it, Harry?" Chakotay answered quietly. Tommy was just in the other room sleeping.

            "We have the shuttle on sensors, it's coming our way," Kim reported.

            Chakotay sat up on couch. "Are they within hailing range?"

            "Yes, we've already spoken to them.  They're in good condition; a few minor injuries but their fine.  Apparently, they were boarded by some people calling themselves the Ciodek," Harry said. 

            "When they're in ranged, transport them to sickbay and tractor the shuttle into the shuttle bay.  I'll inform the Captain."

            "Aye, sir. Kim out."

            Chakotay started getting dressed unaware that Tommy had been awake and listening to the entire conversation.

            A few minutes later the away team was back on Voyager and Chakotay had briefed Kathryn on the events.  Chakotay was needed on the bridge again and had asked Neelix to watch Tommy for a few hours.  Of course the talaxian was eager to help in anyway possible and had agreed.

            Chakotay walked into the Tommy's room just to check on the boy, but to his surprise, there was nobody there.  "Tommy?" Chakotay called, hoping to here a response.  "Computer, location of Tommy Paris."

            "Tommy Paris is on deck five, section four."  

            "Sickbay,"

            For the time of day, sickbay was crowded.  The three officers from the away team, along with Kes, the Doctor and Captain Janeway were all there.  Thankfully, the injuries sustained were minor and easily healed.  Captain Janeway was talking to Lt. Paris when the doors to sickbay opened. Kathryn turned expecting it to be Chakotay or  Harry but instead the form of a small child darted into the room and straight to Tom.

            "Tommy!" Tom said slightly surprised. "Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Tom asked.  Tommy was hugging his leg and Tom had to pry his little arms off just to pick him up.

            "You're late!" Tommy said angrily.

            "I'm sorry. We had some difficulties," Tom explained.

            Tommy accepted the answer. He was just happy that his brother and best friend was back.  He leaned his head against Tom's shoulder.

            Kathryn contacted Chakotay, knowing that he'd be looking for Tommy.  A few seconds later.  Chakotay walked into sickbay and was relieved to find Tommy there.

            "He got away from you?" Kathryn joked.

            Chakotay just shook his head in disbelief.  He hadn't heard Tommy leave.  "If at five years old, he can sneak out of bed, out of his quarters and travel two decks unnoticed, it's no wonder his adult counterpart gets himself in trouble so easily."

            "Commander," Tom addressed the senior officer, "thank you for taking care of him."

            Chakotay gave him a smile. "You're welcome."  After a pause he added, "It was four days full of discoveries."

            The statement made Tom wary but when he saw the expression on the commanders face he knew it was nothing grave.  "It seems you've been hiding your true talents Mr. Paris."  Tom looked at the Captain and then back to Chakotay.  He still didn't know what the Commander was referring to.

            "True talent?" Tom asked.

            "According to Tommy, you sing to him when he can't sleep," Chakotay said.  Tommy had asked Chakotay to sing to him a few nights ago but Chakotay would be the first one to admit that he can't carry a tune.

            Tom looked to his young doppelganger and whispered: "That was supposed to be our secret."  Tommy just smiled at him.

            The next day Tom was taking Tommy to the mess hall for lunch.   They received many curious glances as they went.  The conversation between the two seemed to be looped.

            "I wanna fly," Tommy would say.

            "No." Tom would respond.

            "Please…"

            "No."

            "I wanna fly," and so on.  Tom had stopped giving his brother an explanation since Tommy didn't seem to care for an explanation he just wanted to fly.  Tom sighed when Tommy persisted to ask the same question over and over again.

            They walked into the messhall and Tommy didn't stop asking even while they got their meals.  Neelix smiled at the pair while Tom continued his one word reply.  After a few minutes Tommy stopped asking and ate his meal while sulking.  They were soon joined by Harry and B'Elanna who immediately noticed little Tommy's mood.  They looked to Tom for an explanation but he just shook his head not wanting to restart the argument.

            "Captain Paris, let me fly," Tommy suddenly said.

            Tom looked at him for a moment before going back to his meal.

            "Tom maybe you should…" Harry started but trailed off.

            "Should what let him pilot a shuttle?  I think he's a little young for that," Tom said sounding rather defensive.  For whatever reason this topic was irritating Tom and at the mention of Captain Paris, Tom's grip on his utensil tightened until the fork was on the verge of snapping.

            Tommy had settled down to sleep and Tom was ready to do the same.  The conversation from the mess hall earlier that day was still plague his thoughts.  Maybe he should let Tommy fly a shuttle in the holodeck, of course the Captain would never let him.  Tom put away a few of Tommy's toys before he stepped on them, again.

            'Captain Paris let me fly,' the words kept ringing in his ear.  It shouldn't bother him so much but Tom couldn't help it.  Flying was all he was good at, he was a failure in everything else, or so he was told.  Tommy didn't have to be bounded by the limitations that their father had imposed.

            The chime interrupted him and Tom called for the person to enter.  Harry walked in and greeted his friend.

            "Hey Harry," Tom said tiredly.

            "You okay?"

            "Sure," Tom said with his classic nonchalant attitude.

            "Are you going to bed?  It's still early," Harry asked.  He knew Tom didn't sleep a lot and it was only 2130.  He'd likely be awake again by 0400 if not earlier.

            "Not yet, but soon."

            "So…have you and Tommy come to a resolution yet?"

            "Sort of," Tom replied.

            Harry sat himself one the edge of the sofa, hands clasped together in front of him.  "Sort of?"

            "I just think that…."

            "…that your capable of more?" Harry finished for him.  Tom finally turned to face him after putting some toys away and was about to correct him but he quickly realised the truth to his words.

            "I don't want to limit him.  That's all."

            Harry let it rest there.  Though he hid it well, Harry could see that Tommy was a hardship even if it was one he freely accepted.  Not only was taking care of a child on your own very difficult but when that child was identical to Tom in almost everyway, it only made the situation worse.

            Harry had known early on that Tom didn't have a great home life despite what everybody chose to believe.  Today when he had heard Tommy address his father as Captain Paris, Harry had to wonder just how bad it was and if Tom's reluctance to talk about it was any indication, he hoped that Tommy would not gain those memories.

            Tommy had started his schooling on Voyager but it wasn't going very smoothly.  Ensign Mathers, a volunteer teacher for Tommy and Naomi reported that Tommy was struggling with his work.  She didn't understand why and the Doctor's tests didn't detect and learning disabilities.  In fact all of the Doctor's tests had indicated that Tommy was a very bright child.  During all this Tom watched as they tried to determine the cause for Tommy's less than stellar marks.

            Tom had hoped that Tommy would snap out of it himself but it seemed he would need a push in the right direction.  Tommy was looking at his work but didn't attempt to do it.  Tom sat next to him on the couch.

            "Tommy, I know you can do this," Tom said.  It wasn't just encouragement and wishful thinking, it was a fact.  Tom knew that Tommy could do this work he just didn't want to and Tom understood why.  It was partly for fear of failure but even more so because of what Captain Paris did when Tom did fail at something and so he preferred not to try.  In either case Tom still got in trouble but to his young mind at the time, not trying seemed like as good a choice as any.

            "I can't," Tommy whispered.

            "Yes you can," Tom said patiently.  "It's alright if you don't get it right away.  This is hard stuff.  It's okay to make mistakes, you just need to learn from them."

            Tommy shook head "He'll get mad at me," Tommy said quietly.  He looked down at his hands as they had suddenly become the most interesting things in the world.

            "I understand Tommy." Tom kissed his brother on the top of his head and decided to put the little book away.  They work on it again later.  It would take more than one night to reverse a defence mechanism.

            "I hate him!" Tommy yelled again.  Tom watched him pace unable to help him.  Tommy had to find his own answers and Tom fervently hoped his brother would find better ones than he did.

            Tommy suddenly stopped pacing and faced his older brother. "Why did he do this?"

            "I don't know," Tom answered looking at the carpet.  Tommy sighed and sat next to him on the couch.

            "I don't understand," he said.  Tom looked over at him and in his eyes there was still a hint of confusion in his eyes.  "What did I do?"

            "You didn't do anything wrong," Tom tried to assure but he didn't sound all that convincing.  Truth was, Tom had always blamed himself.  He wasn't strong enough, he wasn't smart enough and that's why his father hated him and hurt him.

            A single tear traced the curve of the younger one's cheek, "Then why didn't he love me?"

            Tom pulled his brother into his arms and held him as he cried.  An all too familiar feeling of helplessness engulfed him as Tommy emptied his grief to the person he trusted most.  Tommy was now the equivalent of eight years old but seemed to be gaining memories faster than he was aging.  Tom would ask the EMH about that later but there was someone else he had to talk to first.

            "What's this?"  Tommy asked pointing to one of the objects.

            "It's an eagle feather," Chakotay told him.  He picked up the object from his medicine bundle and handed it you the child.  Tommy carefully took the object from him.  Chakotay watched as Tommy examined every inch of it before gently brushing his fingers across it.  A smile graced his angelic features and Chakotay couldn't help but smile as well.

            The crew was on shore leave on an uninhabited paradise.  For once they were in no immediate danger and could finally let their guard down and relax at least for a short while.  Even the Captain was taking a much-needed break.  A skeleton crew kept Voyager running while the rest of the crew took shifts on the planets surface.  The majority of the crew went to tropical area of the planet but much of the crew was drawn to the planets untouched wilderness with its near endless forest and pristine rivers.

            One area was particularly inviting and much of Voyager crew had gone there and among them was Commander Chakotay, Lieutenant Paris and his little brother.

            Commander Chakotay had at first come for some solitude near a small waterfall but Tommy and Tom had stumbled upon him during their hike and Tommy had taken great interest in the Commander's medicine bundle.  Chakotay didn't seem to at all mind Tommy's questions but Tom still kept his distance from the first officer.

            Tommy continued to ask about the object that Chakotay had but the commander's attention was focussed on Tommy's brother.  He was unusually quiet and it was a trend in the lieutenant's behaviour that Chakotay had noticed in the past few weeks.

            Tom sat at the edge of the embankment tossing stones into the pool of water before him, every so often looking back to check that Tommy was still okay and not bothering the Commander.

            Chakotay left Tommy with his medicine bundle looking at his river stone and went to see Tom.  Paris heard him coming and turned to face him.  The first thought that ran through Tom's mind was what had he done now, until it occurred to Tom that he hadn't done anything.  Still Tom went on his guard and Chakotay notice the minute change.

            "How are you doing Tom?" Chakotay uncharacteristically enquired into Tom's welfare.

            Tom gave him a once over before evenly responding that he was fine.  Chakotay's behaviour only made Tom more suspicious.  He and Chakotay were by no means friends and Tom didn't expect it to ever happen.  There were too many unresolved issues and betrayals.

            "Are you sure?  You seem a little tired," Chakotay said trying to sound neutral.  Tom was usually able to pick up on underlying feelings no matter how well they were masked.  Chakotay wasn't sure whether it was a trait that Tom had kept from his childhood or one he developed over his eventful life.

            Before Tom could automatically dismiss his worries, Tommy came running over.  "Look at this!" he said excitedly showing them a small lizard in his hands.  "It's like a gecko.  I think it eats small bugs!"  Tommy started rambling on about the small animal and Chakotay observed subtle change in Tom's expression as well.  Where there was once turmoil there was now peace and for a brief moment Tommy's presence calmed Tom.

            Tom couldn't help notice how well Chakotay and Tommy got along.  Maybe it wasn't in his genetic structure to piss off the Commander.  Tom couldn't peg exactly why the Commander's presence put him on the defensive, it just did.  He knew that there was more to it than just unsettled differences.  Tommy however did not react to the Commander like that and Chakotay seemed to genuinely like Tommy.  The two of them had conversed on several occasions.

            Tommy went to release the small animal near a grove of leafy plants leaving the adults alone.  Tom figured that this would be as good a time as any to address his request to the Commander.

            "Commander," Tom started but was interrupted.

            "You can call me Chakotay when were off duty," Chakotay suggested.  Tom just looked at the other man for a moment before nodding.

            "You'll have to give me a while to get used to that." Tom said before getting back to the other issue. "I was hoping that… you could help Tommy."

            "I don't understand."

            Tom looked at the waterfall to collect his thoughts before turning his gaze back to Chakotay.  "He's going to need someone to look up to and….he respects you."

            Chakotay could not believe what he was hearing.  Tom Paris was asking for his help.  Did Tom really trust him enough to help care for Tommy.  Sure Chakotay had looked after the child when Tom went on that away mission but that was different.

            Chakotay interrupted Tom. "Wait a minute.  Why don't you ask Harry?"

            Tom gave Chakotay a look that seemed to ask if he was really that thick headed.  "Don't get me wrong.  Harry's a great friend but there are things that I can't talk to him about.  And there are more things that I won't talk to him about."

            "But you'd talk to me?" Chakotay asked already knowing that Tom would never divulge any personal information unless he had to.

            "Hell no, but Tommy might."

            "And you don't mind Tommy talking to me?"

            "He's going to need somebody other than me to….look up to.  I don't think he needs a counsellor just a friend with some good insights.  He's going to ask all the same questions that I asked myself, I just hope he finds some better answers."

            After their short conversation and after taking a few minutes to think about it Chakotay realised that there wasn't much to think about.  He liked Tommy and while he couldn't say the same thing about Tom, he genuinely commended the lieutenant for making so many personal sacrifices so that his little brother would be better off; of those sacrifices his privacy was slowly becoming one of them.  Chakotay decided to help Tommy but his role would be more like that of a mentor and friend and less like a counsellor.

            Chakotay still thought that Tommy would eventually benefit from counselling even if the commander wasn't the right person to be doing it.  Seeing as he and Paris had a rather rocky history and Tommy may recall some of it; but who knows.  Maybe Tommy will be able to answer some of the question Chakotay still had.

End Chapter 3

Sorry it's taken so long to update.  I've been…..busy…..yeah, busy! :) I'll try to get the next chapter posted sooner along with the last chapter to the Nameless Series (it's almost done).  Hey Katta15, I'm taking you up on your deal.  I finish Nameless and you finish one of your stories too!  Bye for now!  -Zaps


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